I went to the "center" with the Japanese man (that's what they called their churches - they were located in homes, not church buildings) and listened to 2 lectures given by a black guy named Reggie. The first lecture described what an ideal world would be like, and from their point of view, what it was meant to be from the very beginning of history. The second lecture focused on what went wrong in the beginning and why we're living in this messed up world instead of in the ideal. It was based on stuff from the Bible, so most of it went over my head. However, I was at least familiar with the characters they mentioned - Adam, Eve, Satan and of course, God.
After the lectures we had our meal. This was my first experience with Japanese cuisine. They prepared something called chicken curry, which I had never heard of or had before. It was a spicy, flavorful sauce with chicken and vegetables served over rice and very tasty. It was especially delicious since I had had nothing to eat since breakfast, and by now it was late in the afternoon. After the dinner a lot of attention was paid to me, with various people coming up to me to talk. Two things struck me about these people. One was that they were dressed very conservatively. The guys wore slacks and button-up shirts with ties. The girls wore dresses, skirts or nice pant suits. All the guys had crew cuts and the women kept their hair relatively short as well. I felt out of place since most of the people I associated with were the hippie types. This was the early 70s with the hippie movement in full-force and I completely identified with it. Both males and females kept their hair long, wore jeans or cut-offs, and t-shirts. Also, I had given up wearing a bra awhile back (too sexist) and usually wore a halter top. I went barefoot most of the time as well. So these people seemed very strange to me.
The other thing that struck me about the people was their diversity. There were people from all over the world such as Austria, Italy, Japan, Israel, Honduras, and France to name a few, along with some Americans. And they were all living together, communal style, in this large center (house). They said that they believed in the unity of all people and I could see that they really practiced it.
Somehow these folks managed to convince me to stay with them for a few more days instead of going to Pensacola. They said that the following weekend the entire lecture series would be presented, so then I would get a more complete picture of what their ideology was all about and could decide whether or not this was for me. Since I was not completely set on going to Pensacola and was still searching for answers, I decided to stay. That few days turned into years.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Back in New Orleans
After my trip down south, I returned to Chicago where I stayed a few months with my mother and step-father. However, the search for answers had not ceased and I was still very restless. Finally, I decided to return to Pensacola after receiving another invitation from the 13-year-old girl to stay with her.
On June 16, 1974 I caught a bus to New Orleans, where I was to transfer to a bus to Pensacola. However, I never made it to Pensacola. I had taken an all-nighter to New Orleans and it was early afternoon when I arrived at the bus station. Since I had some time to kill before catching the next bus, I decided to stretch my legs and step outside the station for awhile. While standing there, gazing at the city around me, I was approached by a young Japanese man who invited me to attend a lecture. Normally, my response to someone like that would have been, "Get lost!" I had been approached many times before in Chicago by Hare Krishnas and other religious groups, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them or any religion. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I couldn't believe there could be a God with so much suffering in the world. So I stayed as far away as possible from religious people.
It was only because of a combination of circumstances (or fate?) that I actually decided to go to the lecture with this man. My main reason for going with him was the look in his eyes. When he looked at me, he didn't have that sexual look that I had come to expect. This took me completely by surprise. I couldn't believe that he looked at me with such pure eyes. So something inside of me trusted him (a little). The second reason for going was that I was hungry, and he had mentioned that a meal would be served after the lecture. So off I went with him, little knowing that my life was about to completely change.
On June 16, 1974 I caught a bus to New Orleans, where I was to transfer to a bus to Pensacola. However, I never made it to Pensacola. I had taken an all-nighter to New Orleans and it was early afternoon when I arrived at the bus station. Since I had some time to kill before catching the next bus, I decided to stretch my legs and step outside the station for awhile. While standing there, gazing at the city around me, I was approached by a young Japanese man who invited me to attend a lecture. Normally, my response to someone like that would have been, "Get lost!" I had been approached many times before in Chicago by Hare Krishnas and other religious groups, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them or any religion. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I couldn't believe there could be a God with so much suffering in the world. So I stayed as far away as possible from religious people.
It was only because of a combination of circumstances (or fate?) that I actually decided to go to the lecture with this man. My main reason for going with him was the look in his eyes. When he looked at me, he didn't have that sexual look that I had come to expect. This took me completely by surprise. I couldn't believe that he looked at me with such pure eyes. So something inside of me trusted him (a little). The second reason for going was that I was hungry, and he had mentioned that a meal would be served after the lecture. So off I went with him, little knowing that my life was about to completely change.
Monday, July 14, 2014
On the Road
On a cold day in February, I walked away from school. I was so unhappy and desperate for answers and was certainly not finding them at school. I thought to myself that life was not worth living if there was no purpose to it. So why continue going to school? I decided to take a gigantic leap and leave everything behind to search for the purpose of life.
I packed my few belongings into a bag, went to the bank to withdraw what little money I had, and began walking down the street away from the college. I hitch-hiked to Chicago, went to the bus station, and bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans. I chose New Orleans because I had no idea where I would stay and thought that I had better go someplace warm in case I needed to sleep outside.
Altogether, I spent about 3 weeks in the south, hitch-hiking from place to place and staying with whoever would take me in. The first person I met was a young man who, like myself, was on the road and hitch-hiking. We stayed together for a few days until one morning I woke up to find that he had disappeared with all my money.
A lot of those 3 weeks is a blur in my mind and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember a few people who took me in. I remember staying with a lonely older man who was looking for companionship. This might have been right after I lost all my money and had no where to turn. Staying with him was very depressing though and I soon left. Then I stayed for awhile with a woman who lived in a trailer with her kids. I remember being very grateful for the rich southern food she fed me like sausage, bacon and biscuits. But her trailer was filthy and full of roaches. Eventually I moved on from her place as well.
I hitch-hiked to Pensacola next and met a 13-year-old girl who wanted to take me home like a lost little puppy. But when I got to her house I was surprised by all the chaos. There were younger children running all around and no adult seemed to be in charge. Instead, this poor 13-year-old was. She desperately wanted me to stay. I could see that she looked up to me as the older sister she never had and really needed. But unfortunately, I had to disappoint her. I stayed with her just a few days and then left. Before I left she begged me to stay and could not understand why I had to go "search for the meaning of life."
Through all of this time there was sex, although I've blocked out most of that from my mind since it was so negative. I suppose I was a sitting duck for predators since I was completely dependent on others for help and was so mixed up about sex anyway. When looking back at this period in my life I believe that it was only by God's grace that I did not get into serious trouble or even end up dead.
Finally, I went to a forest preserve (somewhere) and spent the night sleeping outside on my coat. After waking, I sat on a curb for awhile wondering what I would do next. While sitting there, a park ranger pulled up in his truck and asked me what I was doing. I don't remember what I told him but he ended up bringing me home to his wife. They were both middle-aged and Christian. I stayed with them for a couple days and during that time the wife preached to me about the Bible and Jesus. It all went completely over my head. I could not relate to anything she said and remember one statement in particular that really turned me off. She said that my problem was that "I had been allowed to live selfishly." That was not what I needed to hear at that moment in my life. But they also did something that really surprised me. They bought me a one-way ticket back to Chicago and sent me home. I was very ready to go home by that time.
I left there being puzzled by this couple. I couldn't understand how complete strangers could take me in and then pay for a ticket home as well, which for me at that time seemed like a lot of money. They had nothing to gain from me like others who had taken advantage of me in the past. I was more used to that and the world seemed to be a very selfish, evil and dangerous place to live. Men in particular I thought, had only one thing on their mind and I was sick of seeing that sexual look in their eyes whenever they approached me. But this couple was different somehow and I didn't know why they had treated me so kindly. Unknowingly to me, a seed had been planted by them that would bear fruit in the near future.
I packed my few belongings into a bag, went to the bank to withdraw what little money I had, and began walking down the street away from the college. I hitch-hiked to Chicago, went to the bus station, and bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans. I chose New Orleans because I had no idea where I would stay and thought that I had better go someplace warm in case I needed to sleep outside.
Altogether, I spent about 3 weeks in the south, hitch-hiking from place to place and staying with whoever would take me in. The first person I met was a young man who, like myself, was on the road and hitch-hiking. We stayed together for a few days until one morning I woke up to find that he had disappeared with all my money.
A lot of those 3 weeks is a blur in my mind and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember a few people who took me in. I remember staying with a lonely older man who was looking for companionship. This might have been right after I lost all my money and had no where to turn. Staying with him was very depressing though and I soon left. Then I stayed for awhile with a woman who lived in a trailer with her kids. I remember being very grateful for the rich southern food she fed me like sausage, bacon and biscuits. But her trailer was filthy and full of roaches. Eventually I moved on from her place as well.
I hitch-hiked to Pensacola next and met a 13-year-old girl who wanted to take me home like a lost little puppy. But when I got to her house I was surprised by all the chaos. There were younger children running all around and no adult seemed to be in charge. Instead, this poor 13-year-old was. She desperately wanted me to stay. I could see that she looked up to me as the older sister she never had and really needed. But unfortunately, I had to disappoint her. I stayed with her just a few days and then left. Before I left she begged me to stay and could not understand why I had to go "search for the meaning of life."
Through all of this time there was sex, although I've blocked out most of that from my mind since it was so negative. I suppose I was a sitting duck for predators since I was completely dependent on others for help and was so mixed up about sex anyway. When looking back at this period in my life I believe that it was only by God's grace that I did not get into serious trouble or even end up dead.
Finally, I went to a forest preserve (somewhere) and spent the night sleeping outside on my coat. After waking, I sat on a curb for awhile wondering what I would do next. While sitting there, a park ranger pulled up in his truck and asked me what I was doing. I don't remember what I told him but he ended up bringing me home to his wife. They were both middle-aged and Christian. I stayed with them for a couple days and during that time the wife preached to me about the Bible and Jesus. It all went completely over my head. I could not relate to anything she said and remember one statement in particular that really turned me off. She said that my problem was that "I had been allowed to live selfishly." That was not what I needed to hear at that moment in my life. But they also did something that really surprised me. They bought me a one-way ticket back to Chicago and sent me home. I was very ready to go home by that time.
I left there being puzzled by this couple. I couldn't understand how complete strangers could take me in and then pay for a ticket home as well, which for me at that time seemed like a lot of money. They had nothing to gain from me like others who had taken advantage of me in the past. I was more used to that and the world seemed to be a very selfish, evil and dangerous place to live. Men in particular I thought, had only one thing on their mind and I was sick of seeing that sexual look in their eyes whenever they approached me. But this couple was different somehow and I didn't know why they had treated me so kindly. Unknowingly to me, a seed had been planted by them that would bear fruit in the near future.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Tripping
I took mescaline twice while I was in college, hoping to find some answers.
People who took it assured me of having an incredible "trip."
My trip lasted about 8 hours and the first part was pure hell. Similar to my
experience with pot, instead of feeling wonderful I became extremely paranoid. I
remember wanting to shrink into the fetal position and hide in a corner. I
needed to escape from everyone because being around people only intensified my
agony. In the meantime, the floors beneath me were moving like waves, with smoke rising through pores in them. All the while, terrible thoughts
and images filled my mind, usually involving sex or violence. This lasted about
4 hours. Maybe this was a preview of what hell is like - constant torment
with no hope of escape.
At some point the trip changed dramatically. The atmosphere shifted and I started receiving revelations. I remember in particular these profound words coming into my mind, "Amidst all the confusion in the world, there is order." Wow! Order in the world? I had experienced so much confusion about life and nothing made any sense. So these words were very comforting. At the same time, I felt the presence of something loving and warm like the sun shining brightly above me. Also, my feelings about people had turned around 180 degrees. My previous anxiety around them had completely vanished. When I looked at people now, I saw them as confused children needing love, just as I had needed it. And instead of wanting to escape from them, I wanted to comfort them like a mother and let them know how much they were loved.
I had never experienced a feeling of love so powerful as this. I had never learned in church that we are all God's children. I had never gone to church. So this was truly a revelation to me and a new way of looking at life. Unfortunately, the good feelings didn't last long. The trip ended and I was back to my old dysfunctional self.
I took mescaline one more time and the trip was similar - going to hell first and then to heaven. This time I also received a revelation. The revelation was "There is a God." Fortunately for me, this was the last time I ever took drugs. But it was not the end of my search for answers.
At some point the trip changed dramatically. The atmosphere shifted and I started receiving revelations. I remember in particular these profound words coming into my mind, "Amidst all the confusion in the world, there is order." Wow! Order in the world? I had experienced so much confusion about life and nothing made any sense. So these words were very comforting. At the same time, I felt the presence of something loving and warm like the sun shining brightly above me. Also, my feelings about people had turned around 180 degrees. My previous anxiety around them had completely vanished. When I looked at people now, I saw them as confused children needing love, just as I had needed it. And instead of wanting to escape from them, I wanted to comfort them like a mother and let them know how much they were loved.
I had never experienced a feeling of love so powerful as this. I had never learned in church that we are all God's children. I had never gone to church. So this was truly a revelation to me and a new way of looking at life. Unfortunately, the good feelings didn't last long. The trip ended and I was back to my old dysfunctional self.
I took mescaline one more time and the trip was similar - going to hell first and then to heaven. This time I also received a revelation. The revelation was "There is a God." Fortunately for me, this was the last time I ever took drugs. But it was not the end of my search for answers.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Painful Shyness
Another issue that I struggled with as a teenager was extreme shyness and social anxiety. I was painfully shy and very uncomfortable around people I didn't know. During social interactions I longed to be free and to express myself, but I just couldn't do it. Instead, my thoughts and feelings remained trapped inside of my body while I stood passively by watching others interact. I didn't understand why I was this way and why I couldn't seem to do anything about it. I longed to go back in time to when I was a child again and totally free instead of living in this awful inhibited state.
As a result of my social difficulties and my quest for answers, I was very lonely. No one knew who I really was and the suffering I was experiencing. I couldn't talk to anyone about how painful my social struggles were and when I tried to speak to anyone about the meaning of life, I always hit dead ends.
After graduating from high school, I attended a university 60 miles outside of Chicago. Unfortunately, college life only intensified my unhappiness. I decided to major in psychology because I thought it might help me to better understand myself and find some answers to my questions. But my psychology professor soon changed my mind about that. I guess I was looking for a model of a "free" and "enlightened" person since I was so inhibited and confused. I assumed that since this professor knew so much about psychology, human nature, and himself, he might be more "together." But my experience with him was totally the opposite. I gave up on psychology at this point.
My experience with other students did nothing to alleviate my disillusionment either. Many of them seemed just as confused and inhibited as I was. I remember in particular Walter and Janet, who reminded me of a little old man and woman. Walter was always tense and hunched over like a squirrel. Janet was prim and proper like an old-maid school teacher, and always carried her briefcase around with her. They enjoyed having intellectual discussions and sparring with each other, constantly trying to outdo each other with their witty comments. I remember thinking to myself, "Whatever happened to the little boy and little girl who was inside this person not too long ago?" Somewhere along the way they had lost their spontaneity and innocence. I also remember Philip, the Donovan look-alike guitarist, who would lure girls into bed with him through his folk singing. And I remember the broken-hearted Patricia, who had fallen for him.
In contrast to the uptight odd couple was Terry, my roommate. She was bubbly, had brightly shining eyes and was full of life and always ready for fun. How I envied her! Why couldn't I be like her instead of being trapped inside of myself? Terry was always the life of the party and loved by everyone. She had a boyfriend though and often I was kicked out of my dorm room so that they could have sex.
In the meantime, I was being pressured for sex. It seemed that everyone was having sex, taking drugs and getting high on them. But sex and drugs had the opposite effect on me. Sex only magnified my feelings of alienation from others. I was lonely and hoping that this would fulfill my need for love. But after sex I only felt worse - empty and cheapened. Marijuana, likewise, had a negative effect on me. Instead of getting high, I got paranoid and went even deeper into my shell.
With of all of these experiences, I was desperately unhappy and seriously considering suicide. I remember many nights crying into my pillow and begging God to help me if he was real.
Finally, since I couldn't find happiness in the real world, I turned to the surreal world of psychedelic drugs. It was there that I had my first experiences of God, Heaven and Hell.
As a result of my social difficulties and my quest for answers, I was very lonely. No one knew who I really was and the suffering I was experiencing. I couldn't talk to anyone about how painful my social struggles were and when I tried to speak to anyone about the meaning of life, I always hit dead ends.
After graduating from high school, I attended a university 60 miles outside of Chicago. Unfortunately, college life only intensified my unhappiness. I decided to major in psychology because I thought it might help me to better understand myself and find some answers to my questions. But my psychology professor soon changed my mind about that. I guess I was looking for a model of a "free" and "enlightened" person since I was so inhibited and confused. I assumed that since this professor knew so much about psychology, human nature, and himself, he might be more "together." But my experience with him was totally the opposite. I gave up on psychology at this point.
My experience with other students did nothing to alleviate my disillusionment either. Many of them seemed just as confused and inhibited as I was. I remember in particular Walter and Janet, who reminded me of a little old man and woman. Walter was always tense and hunched over like a squirrel. Janet was prim and proper like an old-maid school teacher, and always carried her briefcase around with her. They enjoyed having intellectual discussions and sparring with each other, constantly trying to outdo each other with their witty comments. I remember thinking to myself, "Whatever happened to the little boy and little girl who was inside this person not too long ago?" Somewhere along the way they had lost their spontaneity and innocence. I also remember Philip, the Donovan look-alike guitarist, who would lure girls into bed with him through his folk singing. And I remember the broken-hearted Patricia, who had fallen for him.
In contrast to the uptight odd couple was Terry, my roommate. She was bubbly, had brightly shining eyes and was full of life and always ready for fun. How I envied her! Why couldn't I be like her instead of being trapped inside of myself? Terry was always the life of the party and loved by everyone. She had a boyfriend though and often I was kicked out of my dorm room so that they could have sex.
In the meantime, I was being pressured for sex. It seemed that everyone was having sex, taking drugs and getting high on them. But sex and drugs had the opposite effect on me. Sex only magnified my feelings of alienation from others. I was lonely and hoping that this would fulfill my need for love. But after sex I only felt worse - empty and cheapened. Marijuana, likewise, had a negative effect on me. Instead of getting high, I got paranoid and went even deeper into my shell.
With of all of these experiences, I was desperately unhappy and seriously considering suicide. I remember many nights crying into my pillow and begging God to help me if he was real.
Finally, since I couldn't find happiness in the real world, I turned to the surreal world of psychedelic drugs. It was there that I had my first experiences of God, Heaven and Hell.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Why I started this blog
To explain why I started
this blog, I have to go all the way back to when I was 15 years old. At that young
age I started asking questions about the meaning of life. I don’t know if
other teenagers think much about these kinds of things or not, but for me, finding the answers to my questions about life
became an obsession. I couldn't turn off the questions in my mind. It was like a tape recording going round and round my head
that couldn’t be shut off - “What is the meaning of life? Why am I alive? Is
there any purpose to life?” Before that time I guess I was more like any other typical
teenage girl with the main thing on my mind being, well, boys. And before that I
was just a kid who only wanted to play and have fun.
But something shifted within
me after I turned 15. It was as though all of a sudden I grew up and started to become
aware of the real world around me. Maybe it was brought upon by the loss of
my best friend who had just moved away, and I was lonely. Or that my father suddenly
disappeared from my life after years of weekend visits since my
parent’s divorce, and a hole was left in my heart. Or perhaps it was because I lived in a depressing and dangerous
inner city neighborhood in Chicago where I regularly saw poverty,
drunkenness and despair in the lives of people around me. Or maybe it was that
this was the 1960s and I was right in the middle of the sexual revolution, the
drug counterculture, and the uprising of blacks, with riots in my high school
and bloody fights and sexual assaults on the bus back and forth from school (I stopped
taking the bus, preferring to walk the two miles each way.)
So this was the beginning of
my search for the meaning of life. However, it wasn't until a few years later
that I actively (and drastically) took steps to find the answers to my
questions.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Is Being in Love Enough for a Happy Marriage?
What is missing in so many marriages and why do so many marriages fail? According to Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, authors of the award-winning bestseller "Boundaries," the crucial element for harmony in marriage is not being "in love," but being mature.If we are immature when we marry, our tendency will be to look to our spouse to complete us. But this is an impossible task since no other person can ever make us into the complete person we long to be. We need to do that for ourselves.
In "Boundaries in Marriage," the authors state "to the degree that each is less than complete as a person, the oneness will suffer under the strain of that incompleteness." The following list are some of the abilities that people need to possess before getting married. The ability to:
- Connect emotionally
- Be vulnerable and share feelings
- Have an appropriate sense of power and assertiveness
- Say no
- Have initiative and drive
- Have at least a minimal amount of organization
- Accept imperfections and have grace and forgiveness
- Grieve
- Think for oneself and express one's opinions
- Take risks
- Grasp and use one's talents
- Be responsible and follow through
- Be sexual
- Be spiritual
- Have a moral sense
- Have an intellectual life
Likewise, Rev. Moon teaches us that immaturity is the fundamental cause of the breakdown of families and society. Rev. Moon also states that immaturity was the very cause of man's initial separation from God in the beginning of human history. Our original ancestors were meant to first become mature individuals before marrying and having children. Instead, Adam & Eve, while still immature, united sexually and had children. As a result, their immaturity was passed down from generation to generation. History has been one great dysfunctional cycle of children bearing children. (See the Human Fall.)
Today we see that this is very evident in the high numbers of teenage pregnancies and out-of-wedlock childbirths. Too many young people think it's perfectly okay to fall in love, have sex and bear a child outside of marriage. This is a recipe for disaster and contributes to so many of our social problems such as school dropouts, poverty, juvenile delinquency and crime.
So if we want t
o see a better society and a better world, then let's start with our own families and even before that, with our own marriages. Just remember - first comes maturity, then love, then secure marriages, happy families and a peaceful society.
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