What is missing in so many marriages and why do so many marriages fail? According to Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, authors of the award-winning bestseller "Boundaries," the crucial element for harmony in marriage is not being "in love," but being mature.If we are immature when we marry, our tendency will be to look to our spouse to complete us. But this is an impossible task since no other person can ever make us into the complete person we long to be. We need to do that for ourselves.
In "Boundaries in Marriage," the authors state "to the degree that each is less than complete as a person, the oneness will suffer under the strain of that incompleteness." The following list are some of the abilities that people need to possess before getting married. The ability to:
- Connect emotionally
- Be vulnerable and share feelings
- Have an appropriate sense of power and assertiveness
- Say no
- Have initiative and drive
- Have at least a minimal amount of organization
- Accept imperfections and have grace and forgiveness
- Grieve
- Think for oneself and express one's opinions
- Take risks
- Grasp and use one's talents
- Be responsible and follow through
- Be sexual
- Be spiritual
- Have a moral sense
- Have an intellectual life
Likewise, Rev. Moon teaches us that immaturity is the fundamental cause of the breakdown of families and society. Rev. Moon also states that immaturity was the very cause of man's initial separation from God in the beginning of human history. Our original ancestors were meant to first become mature individuals before marrying and having children. Instead, Adam & Eve, while still immature, united sexually and had children. As a result, their immaturity was passed down from generation to generation. History has been one great dysfunctional cycle of children bearing children. (See the Human Fall.)
Today we see that this is very evident in the high numbers of teenage pregnancies and out-of-wedlock childbirths. Too many young people think it's perfectly okay to fall in love, have sex and bear a child outside of marriage. This is a recipe for disaster and contributes to so many of our social problems such as school dropouts, poverty, juvenile delinquency and crime.
So if we want t
o see a better society and a better world, then let's start with our own families and even before that, with our own marriages. Just remember - first comes maturity, then love, then secure marriages, happy families and a peaceful society.
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