Brothers and Sisters

Because we believed that premature sexual relations led to the fall of man, discouraging sexual attraction and abstaining from relations before marriage was an essential part of our lifestyle. In contrast to the sexualized culture in which we lived, we were encouraged to think of all men as our brothers and all women as our sisters. So instead of looking at men or women as sexual objects or competitors, we saw each other as members of our own family.  We even referred to each other "brothers" and "sisters" as well.

This was actually a huge relief to me. As I had mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, I was sick of the sexual looks and pressure I had always felt from men. Also, I was tired of worrying about the way I looked, always wondering if I was attractive enough, was wearing the right clothes, if I was too fat, etc. Now I could relax around guys and relate to them just as I had related to my own two physical brothers.

Another huge relief related to this was that my relationship to food began to change. From about age 12, I had been constantly worried about my weight, thinking that I was too fat. I had developed the destructive habits of secretly starving myself and binging, and cycling back and forth between the two. At that time there was not the kind of awareness that there is now about eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia. I think that had I ever heard about bulimia and the method of vomiting to expel digested food from the body, I would have eagerly taken on that practice. Fortunately, I never did. Anyway, after joining the church I gradually got over my eating disorder when I stopped worrying about how I looked to others, especially to men.

Relationships between "brothers" and "sisters" were very strict in order to discourage sexual attraction and relationships from developing. We slept in separate rooms, sat on different sides of a room during meetings, and when traveling together sat in different rows in the vans. When a man needed to meet alone with a woman, the door to the meeting room was always left open. We dressed very conservatively as well with the women wearing skirts and tops, and the men wearing slacks and shirts with ties. We women kept our hairstyles short and simple and the men's hair was cut short as well.

Although we adhered to these rules, occasionally relationships would form and these couples usually ended up leaving the church. What helped the rest of us hang in there was hope for the future. We knew that if we kept our purity then eventually we would be married at the appointed time. At that time in the church, Rev. Moon personally matched all of the couples. Most of us were completely fine with this because we had faith in his spirituality and wisdom to select the right mate for us. Also, we knew about the tract record of the secular world where people chose their own mates. Half of these marriages ended up in divorce. In my own family, my mother was on her third marriage. In another blog I will talk about the matching process and the wedding, known as the "Blessing." I have now been happily married to my matched husband for 32 years.

During the period of time before getting married we were encouraged to work on our own spiritual development and relationship with God. The "Fall" took place because of immaturity, so we were told to work on ourselves first so that when we finally were together with our mate, our relationship would be based on a strong relationship with God.

Rev. Moon said that the quickest way to grow spiritually was to learn to love and to practice loving and serving others. Because God loves all humanity, our challenge was to become like Him by loving all types of people including those who were difficult to love. He said that our model was Jesus, who went to the point of even sacrificing his life for his enemies out of love. Rev. Moon said that if we learned to love others like God does, then we would be much more able to love our spouse and children unconditionally later. This made a lot of sense to me because so many people go into marriage hoping to get something from the other person instead of wanting to give. And then when the spouse doesn't fulfill their expectations, they become disillusioned and end up getting divorce. But if we all could become givers of unconditional love, there could never be any divorce.

In my next blog I will talk about our education and activities we did in order to develop that kind of unconditional love.

Weekend Blog

I started a full-time internship today. I'll have to wait until the weekends to do the blog for at least the next 4 months, until the internship is over.  So I'll write again this coming weekend.

Collective Consciousness

For any of you who are familiar with Jungian psychology, you may know that Jung talked about the "collective consciousness."  He said that we have a conscious mind, an unconscious mind and the collective conscious. The conscious and unconscious minds are based on our personal experiences. But the collective conscious is different in that it has no basis in personal experience and yet is shared by all people.  It consists of a common set of beliefs and ideas we all share that are called "archetypes." These beliefs are very familiar to all of us and we recognize them over and over again in stories and fables. An example of an archetype is the wise old man. Think Merlin the magician or Obi One Kenobi. We see this pattern of the wise old man in many tales.

I realized that the story of the Fall of Man also consists of very familiar archetypes. One is the  "Damsel in Distress," where the villain tries to take the fair maiden for himself. He is always older, more powerful, and wiser and more cunning. She is young, beautiful and innocent. It always requires a young hero to save her from the villain, whom she falls in love with and then lives happily ever after with.  Examples that immediately come to my mind are the Phantom of the Opera, the Princess Bride and even cartoons such as Popeye. (My favorite example as a child was Mighty Mouse who always saved his girlfriend from the evil cat before being run through the sawmill.) Many times the hero is humble with no wealth, as in the Princess Bride. In contrast, the evil prince is rich and powerful. But what the hero's got going for him is his pure heart.

In the Principle, we see the same pattern. Lucifer was older and wiser than both Adam and Eve. He was also very powerful, having been God's right hand for eons. He wanted Eve for himself, attracted by her youthful beauty as well as hoping to maintain and consolidate his power. In contrast, Adam was innocent and young, not yet possessing the wisdom he needed to understand his place in God's kingdom and Lucifer's evil intentions. He was meant to become Eve's true love at the appropriate time and then to live with her happily ever after. However, unlike the stories above, this one did not have a happy ending. Instead of saving Eve from Lucifer's evil clutches, he was brought down by her and fell under the domination of Lucifer as well.

Another archetype in this story is the good person who becomes evil, or the "Fall from Grace." Think of Darth Vader from Star Wars. Originally his destiny was to become the greatest Jedi, fighting on the side of goodness. But he succumbs to the "dark force," losing his position and instead becoming a powerful leader of the dark side. Likewise, Lucifer was God's most beloved servant. But he feared that he was losing God's love. But rather than continuing to trust God, he gave into his insecurities and turned away from God. However, had he remained faithful, he would have received even more love from God through fulfilling his responsibility to care for and raise up Adam and Eve. Think of a parent with an older and a younger child. When the older child is jealous and hurts the younger one, the parent feels pain. But when the older one cares for the younger one, the parent's love for the older child becomes even greater.

Last but not least is the archetype of the Lost Eden. We see this over and over in stories about utopias and lost paradises. This is because deep in our hearts we all know that this world is not the true world we are meant to be living in and the true life we were meant to live.

So somewhere way back in our collective conscious, we recognize the truths in this story because it's part of our collective history. But as I said earlier, when I first heard the Fall of Man, it completely went over my head. It was hard for me to believe in angels, in Adam and Eve, and in God. Even so, I had to admit that this explanation of the Fall made a lot more sense than the idea of a literal fruit being the cause of the downfall of the entire world.

Next time I will talk about life in the church and how the ideas from the Principle influenced the lifestyle of members.

For more information, watch the video "The Fall of Man" at: 
http://www.reverendsunmyungmoon.org/rev_moon_teaching.html 

Symbolism

According the Principle, many things in the Bible are symbolic. Examples are the Tree of Life, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the Serpent. The Principle states that the Tree of Life represents what Adam was hoping to become - a person who is totally one with God. The Bible mentions the Tree of Life several times as something that all of us are seeking, but has been blocked from us since man separated from God (referred to as "The Fall of Man" in the Principle.) When you think about it, this is what all of us desire. We want to have power, wisdom, and to be the center of the universe - to be God-like. Somewhere within each of us, we know that we were not meant to live the mediocre lives that we are now living. Each one of us was meant to live on a much higher level, living powerful lives, fulfilling our greatest purpose and making a significant impact in the world. We also know that our lives were meant to be filled with joy, peace and security instead of unhappiness, fear and sorrow. Somewhere deep inside of us is a long-forgotten memory of the peace and happiness we experienced as small children, and we long to go back to the Garden, to go Home. Why else do we turn to drugs and other artificial substances to "get high" and to feel good? That's because we were meant to be high ALL the time, to be euphoric, but in a natural way that blessed the world instead of damaging ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, in this confused world sometimes this desire for power and control has become twisted into something evil and self-centered. Think of Hitler, Stalin, and others who wanted to take over the world and become like God. The real model of absolute power and dominion was Jesus. He had all of God's power, wisdom and authority at his disposal because he was completely unselfish and filled with God's love. This is what true power is all about and this is what Adam was meant to grow to become.

Back to the Garden. The Principle says that the Serpent represents Lucifer, who was the head angel at that time and the one closest to God. I don't know about you, but when I heard this it completely went over my head because I didn't believe in angels and this sounded too much like a fairy-tale to me. But now, many years later, I've actually come to believe in angels. That's because I have experienced so much incredible spiritual guidance and support in my life since joining the church. I will go more into detail about that another time, but suffice it to say, I do believe that there is someone out there watching out for me, whether it be angels or people who have passed away who are guiding me.

So Adam was represented by the Tree of Life and Lucifer was represented by the Serpent. So who did the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil symbolize and what was the "Fruit" that was passed from Lucifer to Eve and then to Adam? The Principle says that the Fruit represented love. Lucifer became jealous of Adam and wanted to take the love of Eve for himself. Also, he realized that Adam and Eve were meant to become the ultimate heirs of God's love and he feared that he would lose his position as the one most loved by God. So Lucifer seduced Eve to gain power over her and then over Adam, and to put himself above them and God. Since Eve was still immature at the time and had not yet grown into a perfect relationship with God, she was vulnerable to temptation and did not yet have the wisdom to understand what was happening. As I mentioned earlier, if she had already established a rock-solid love relationship with Adam centered on God, there would be no way in the world she could be tempted (imagine being married to Jesus - do you think you could you be tempted by another man?)

Eve is represented by the Knowledge of Good and Evil because after her sexual relationship with Lucifer her eyes were opened wide and she understood that what she had done was completely wrong and that Adam was meant to be her husband. And for the first time in her young life she experienced the emotions of shame and fear. Instead of the freedom and happiness that she had experienced before in her relationship with God, she was now afraid. Think of a child who has done something wrong and is afraid to tell his parents. I remember the times when my son would cry whenever he did something wrong. Maybe he was afraid I was angry or that I wouldn't love him. I don't know exactly what he was feeling. But I do know that whatever it was, it was causing him anguish. But after he told me the truth and I forgave and hugged him, the world was a happy and secure place for him again. This is what Eve should have done - gone to God and told the truth, even though difficult. But instead, she brought Adam down with her by handing him the fruit and seducing him. Now both of them were ashamed and afraid, and out of their shame they covered the lower parts of their body where they had sinned.

From this point forward, their innocence was gone and God could not have a direct relationship with them as he had before. A completely pure God cannot relate directly with impure human beings. Some conditions have to be met in order for this to happen. That is the focus of the rest of the Principle which I will go into later. So now God was unable to guide Adam and Eve to full maturity and to becoming the loving parents of all humanity. Instead, their immaturity and inability to love, along with their propensity for hate and fear was passed from generation to generation.

Back to my family and how I recognized the Principle at work there. I saw that the repetition of the Fall had taken place in my own family. My mother was unhappy in her marriage. Rather than ask for help and work out the difficulties, she allowed herself to be seduced by another man. In Eve's case, instead of going to God when she became confused about her relationship with Lucifer, she allowed herself to be seduced by him. When my father was kicked out of our family and the other man moved in, all hell broke loose. Everything that could go wrong, did, and all of us suffered as a result. Likewise, after the Fall, the entire world descended into darkness and into a living hell.

Broken Families

So how was I able to relate my life to the first lecture? I thought about all the dysfunctional families starting from my own and going all the way back in time. When I was growing up, my mother and father had not been able to really be there for me or my siblings. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and a few years later, my dad gave up the right to visit us on weekends. He then basically disappeared from our lives. My mom remarried, but the man she married was a jerk and totally irresponsible, and couldn't hold down a job. So my mother worked hard to support a family of 7 (5 kids and 2 adults.) When she came home from work, she was drained and unable to give us kids the love and attention we needed. So in a sense, we were without parents. Our basic physical needs were taken care of but not our emotional ones.

I realized that both my mom and dad had not had perfect family lives either, which probably contributed to their divorce and other problems. My mom's father abandoned her and her mother when she was only a baby. My dad grew up feeling unloved by his father. But then I went even further and thought that probably my grandparents had had their own problems as well that got in the way of them being the loving parents they were meant to be. So if you look for the source of problems in families, you have to keep looking further and further back. Therefore, it made sense to me that the very first human ancestors were not mature and could not give their children the love and guidance they needed.  Hey, Cain killed Abel. Where were Adam and Eve when this was happening?  Obviously they did a terrible job at parenting, so much so that one of their children killed another. Even in this messed up world with all its problems, we rarely hear of a brother killing his own brother. So that first family must have been really messed up. And this family dysfunction has been passed on from generation to generation.

Somewhere along the line the buck has to stop being passed, the legacy has to be broken. Parents need to love each other with a love that can never be broken and then pass on that standard of love to their children. This was the purpose of Jesus. But I'll talk about that another time.

The second lecture explained how mankind separated from God and the ideal. Next time I'll talk about that and about how I was able to see parallels in my own life with it.

On vacation.  Will be back in a few days.

Weekend Workshop

I went to the workshop the following weekend and heard the entire series of lectures known as the "Divine Principle" (DP), which are the teachings of Reverend Sun Myung Moon of Korea. There were about 6 lectures total over the weekend, with discussions after each lecture and breaks for meals, free time and entertainment.

The lectures consisted of talks about the ideal world we were meant to live in (and what we all long for in our deepest hearts - a world filled with love and peace), the separation from the ideal, and God's work throughout history to return the world back to the ideal. There were also some talks on other topics such as Predestination and Resurrection. The one on Predestination basically said that the only thing predestined for sure is God's ideal, loving world. Everything else, such as Christians being predestined for heaven and everyone else for hell is just a bunch of hogwash! The one on Resurrection said that resurrection is not literal, such as Christians being resurrected right through the roof of their churches (Ouch! That sure would hurt when they hit their heads!) What resurrection really means is the resurrection of our spirits and our hearts - in other words, our spiritual growth. So there is a lot of stuff in the Bible that is not meant to be taken literally.

All of the lectures were based on the Bible, so most of it went right over my head. But the first lecture made a lot of sense to me. It said that the original ancestors of humanity were meant to grow to perfection before having a family. Perfection is defined as complete unity with God. Therefore, a perfect person is someone who can love all mankind as much as God does and has a parental heart towards all people. (I had a taste of this parental love during my drug experience.) Only on this basis are people then qualified to start a family and parent their own children.

They said that Jesus was the only perfect person who ever lived on earth. He completely embodied the love of God through his incredible love for people, to the point of even being willing to die for his enemies. Amazing! They said that the first ancestors were meant to grow to become like him, essentially becoming a Jesus-like man and a Jesus-like woman. Then when they got married, nothing could ever separate them because their love would be rock-solidly based on God's love (not just on romance, attraction or other things that wear off eventually.) Therefore, no divorce or breakdown of families would be possible. Also, as love-filled people, they would exemplify this love to their children as well as teach them the highest standard of love. Their children would then learn to love each other and the natural world around them (instead of abusing it). This would be an ideal family. Then, when this family multiplied and spread it would expand to an ideal tribe, nation and world. This would be the Kingdom of Heaven on earth, or God's ideal. Upon death, people would then enter the Kingdom of Heaven in the spiritual world.

Next time I'll briefly explain what went wrong in the beginning according to DP. I'll also explain how the first and second talk made sense to me based on my own experience of growing up in a dysfunctional home.

Visiting the Center

I went to the "center" with the Japanese man (that's what they called their churches - they were located in homes, not church buildings) and listened to 2 lectures given by a black guy named Reggie. The first lecture described what an ideal world would be like, and from their point of view, what it was meant to be from the very beginning of history. The second lecture focused on what went wrong in the beginning and why we're living in this messed up world instead of in the ideal. It was based on stuff from the Bible, so most of it went over my head. However, I was at least familiar with the characters they mentioned - Adam, Eve, Satan and of course, God.

After the lectures we had our meal. This was my first experience with Japanese cuisine. They prepared something called chicken curry, which I had never heard of or had before. It was a spicy, flavorful sauce with chicken and vegetables served over rice and very tasty. It was especially delicious since I had had nothing to eat since breakfast, and by now it was late in the afternoon. After the dinner a lot of attention was paid to me, with various people coming up to me to talk. Two things struck me about these people. One was that they were dressed very conservatively. The guys wore slacks and button-up shirts with ties. The girls wore dresses, skirts or nice pant suits. All the guys had crew cuts and the women kept their hair relatively short as well. I felt out of place since most of the people I associated with were the hippie types. This was the early 70s with the hippie movement in full-force and I completely identified with it. Both males and females kept their hair long, wore jeans or cut-offs, and t-shirts. Also, I had given up wearing a bra awhile back (too sexist) and usually wore a halter top. I went barefoot most of the time as well. So these people seemed very strange to me.

The other thing that struck me about the people was their diversity. There were people from all over the world such as Austria, Italy, Japan, Israel, Honduras, and France to name a few, along with some Americans. And they were all living together, communal style, in this large center (house). They said that they believed in the unity of all people and I could see that they really practiced it.

Somehow these folks managed to convince me to stay with them for a few more days instead of going to Pensacola. They said that the following weekend the entire lecture series would be presented, so then I would get a more complete picture of what their ideology was all about and could decide whether or not this was for me. Since I was not completely set on going to Pensacola and was still searching for answers, I decided to stay. That few days turned into years.

Back in New Orleans

After my trip down south, I returned to Chicago where I stayed a few months with my mother and step-father. However, the search for answers had not ceased and I was still very restless. Finally, I decided to return to Pensacola after receiving another invitation from the 13-year-old girl to stay with her.

On June 16, 1974 I caught a bus to New Orleans, where I was to transfer to a bus to Pensacola. However, I never made it to Pensacola. I had taken an all-nighter to New Orleans and it was early afternoon when I arrived at the bus station. Since I had some time to kill before catching the next bus, I decided to stretch my legs and step outside the station for awhile. While standing there, gazing at the city around me, I was approached by a young Japanese man who invited me to attend a lecture. Normally, my response to someone like that would have been, "Get lost!" I had been approached many times before in Chicago by Hare Krishnas and other religious groups, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them or any religion. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I couldn't believe there could be a God with so much suffering in the world. So I stayed as far away as possible from religious people.

It was only because of a combination of circumstances (or fate?) that I actually decided to go to the lecture with this man. My main reason for going with him was the look in his eyes. When he looked at me, he didn't have that sexual look that I had come to expect. This took me completely by surprise. I couldn't believe that he looked at me with such pure eyes. So something inside of me trusted him (a little). The second reason for going was that I was hungry, and he had mentioned that a meal would be served after the lecture. So off I went with him, little knowing that my life was about to completely change.

On the Road

On a cold day in February, I walked away from school. I was so unhappy and desperate for answers and was certainly not finding them at school. I thought to myself that life was not worth living if there was no purpose to it. So why continue going to school? I decided to take a gigantic leap and leave everything behind to search for the purpose of life.

I packed my few belongings into a bag, went to the bank to withdraw what little money I had, and began walking down the street away from the college. I hitch-hiked to Chicago, went to the bus station, and bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans. I chose New Orleans because I had no idea where I would stay and thought that I had better go someplace warm in case I needed to sleep outside.

Altogether, I spent about 3 weeks in the south, hitch-hiking from place to place and staying with whoever would take me in. The first person I met was a young man who, like myself, was on the road and hitch-hiking. We stayed together for a few days until one morning I woke up to find that he had disappeared with all my money.

A lot of those 3 weeks is a blur in my mind and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember a few people who took me in. I remember staying with a lonely older man who was looking for companionship. This might have been right after I lost all my money and had no where to turn. Staying with him was very depressing though and I soon left. Then I stayed for awhile with a woman who lived in a trailer with her kids. I remember being very grateful for the rich southern food she fed me like sausage, bacon and biscuits. But her trailer was filthy and full of roaches. Eventually I moved on from her place as well.

I hitch-hiked to Pensacola next and met a 13-year-old girl who wanted to take me home like a lost little puppy. But when I got to her house I was surprised by all the chaos. There were younger children running all around and no adult seemed to be in charge. Instead, this poor 13-year-old was. She desperately wanted me to stay. I could see that she looked up to me as the older sister she never had and really needed. But unfortunately, I had to disappoint her. I stayed with her just a few days and then left. Before I left she begged me to stay and could not understand why I had to go "search for the meaning of life."

Through all of this time there was sex, although I've blocked out most of that from my mind since it was so negative. I suppose I was a sitting duck for predators since I was completely dependent on others for help and was so mixed up about sex anyway. When looking back at this period in my life I believe that it was only by God's grace that I did not get into serious trouble or even end up dead.

Finally, I went to a forest preserve (somewhere) and spent the night sleeping outside on my coat. After waking, I sat on a curb for awhile wondering what I would do next. While sitting there, a park ranger pulled up in his truck and asked me what I was doing. I don't remember what I told him but he ended up bringing me home to his wife. They were both middle-aged and Christian. I stayed with them for a couple days and during that time the wife preached to me about the Bible and Jesus. It all went completely over my head. I could not relate to anything she said and remember one statement in particular that really turned me off. She said that my problem was that "I had been allowed to live selfishly." That was not what I needed to hear at that moment in my life. But they also did something that really surprised me. They bought me a one-way ticket back to Chicago and sent me home. I was very ready to go home by that time.

I left there being puzzled by this couple. I couldn't understand how complete strangers could take me in and then pay for a ticket home as well, which for me at that time seemed like a lot of money. They had nothing to gain from me like others who had taken advantage of me in the past. I was more used to that and the world seemed to be a very selfish, evil and dangerous place to live. Men in particular I thought, had only one thing on their mind and I was sick of seeing that sexual look in their eyes whenever they approached me. But this couple was different somehow and I didn't know why they had treated me so kindly. Unknowingly to me, a seed had been planted by them that would bear fruit in the near future.

Tripping

I took mescaline twice while I was in college, hoping to find some answers. People who took it assured me of having an incredible "trip." My trip lasted about 8 hours and the first part was pure hell. Similar to my experience with pot, instead of feeling wonderful I became extremely paranoid. I remember wanting to shrink into the fetal position and hide in a corner. I needed to escape from everyone because being around people only intensified my agony. In the meantime, the floors beneath me were moving like waves, with smoke rising through pores in them. All the while, terrible thoughts and images filled my mind, usually involving sex or violence. This lasted about 4 hours. Maybe this was a preview of what hell is like - constant torment with no hope of escape.

At some point the trip changed dramatically. The atmosphere shifted and I started receiving revelations. I remember in particular these profound words coming into my mind, "Amidst all the confusion in the world, there is order." Wow! Order in the world? I had experienced so much confusion about life and nothing made any sense. So these words were very comforting. At the same time, I felt the presence of something loving and warm like the sun shining brightly above me. Also, my feelings about people had turned around 180 degrees. My previous anxiety around them had completely vanished. When I looked at people now, I saw them as confused children needing love, just as I had needed it. And instead of wanting to escape from them, I wanted to comfort them like a mother and let them know how much they were loved.

I had never experienced a feeling of love so powerful as this. I had never learned in church that we are all God's children. I had never gone to church. So this was truly a revelation to me and a new way of looking at life.  Unfortunately, the good feelings didn't last long. The trip ended and I was back to my old dysfunctional self.

I took mescaline one more time and the trip was similar - going to hell first and then to heaven. This time I also received a revelation. The revelation was "There is a God." Fortunately for me, this was the last time I ever took drugs. But it was not the end of my search for answers.

Painful Shyness

Another issue that I struggled with as a teenager was extreme shyness and social anxiety. I was painfully shy and very uncomfortable around people I didn't know. During social interactions I longed to be free and to express myself, but I just couldn't do it. Instead, my thoughts and feelings remained trapped inside of my body while I stood passively by watching others interact. I didn't understand why I was this way and why I couldn't seem to do anything about it. I longed to go back in time to when I was a child again and totally free instead of living in this awful inhibited state.

As a result of my social difficulties and my quest for answers, I was very lonely. No one knew who I really was and the suffering I was experiencing. I couldn't talk to anyone about how painful my social struggles were and when I tried to speak to anyone about the meaning of life, I always hit dead ends.

After graduating from high school, I attended a university 60 miles outside of Chicago. Unfortunately, college life only intensified my unhappiness. I decided to major in psychology because I thought it might help me to better understand myself and find some answers to my questions. But my psychology professor soon changed my mind about that. I guess I was looking for a model of a "free" and "enlightened" person since I was so inhibited and confused. I assumed that since this professor knew so much about psychology, human nature, and himself, he might be more "together." But my experience with him was totally the opposite. I gave up on psychology at this point.

My experience with other students did nothing to alleviate my disillusionment either. Many of them seemed just as confused and inhibited as I was. I remember in particular Walter and Janet, who reminded me of a little old man and woman. Walter was always tense and hunched over like a squirrel. Janet was prim and proper like an old-maid school teacher, and always carried her briefcase around with her. They enjoyed having intellectual discussions and sparring with each other, constantly trying to outdo each other with their witty comments. I remember thinking to myself, "Whatever happened to the little boy and little girl who was inside this person not too long ago?" Somewhere along the way they had lost their spontaneity and innocence. I also remember Philip, the Donovan look-alike guitarist, who would lure girls into bed with him through his folk singing. And I remember the broken-hearted Patricia, who had fallen for him.

In contrast to the uptight odd couple was Terry, my roommate. She was bubbly, had brightly shining eyes and was full of life and always ready for fun. How I envied her! Why couldn't I be like her instead of being trapped inside of myself? Terry was always the life of the party and loved by everyone. She had a boyfriend though and often I was kicked out of my dorm room so that they could have sex.

In the meantime, I was being pressured for sex. It seemed that everyone was having sex, taking drugs and getting high on them. But sex and drugs had the opposite effect on me. Sex only magnified my feelings of alienation from others. I was lonely and hoping that this would fulfill my need for love. But after sex I only felt worse - empty and cheapened. Marijuana, likewise, had a negative effect on me. Instead of getting high, I got paranoid and went even deeper into my shell.

With of all of these experiences, I was desperately unhappy and seriously considering suicide. I remember many nights crying into my pillow and begging God to help me if he was real.

Finally, since I couldn't find happiness in the real world, I turned to the surreal world of psychedelic drugs. It was there that I had my first experiences of God, Heaven and Hell. 

Why I started this blog

To explain why I started this blog, I have to go all the way back to when I was 15 years old. At that young age I started asking questions about the meaning of life. I don’t know if other teenagers think much about these kinds of things or not, but for me, finding the answers to my questions about life became an obsession. I couldn't turn off the questions in my mind. It was like a tape recording going round and round my head that couldn’t be shut off - “What is the meaning of life? Why am I alive? Is there any purpose to life?” Before that time I guess I was more like any other typical teenage girl with the main thing on my mind being, well, boys. And before that I was just a kid who only wanted to play and have fun.

But something shifted within me after I turned 15. It was as though all of a sudden I grew up and started to become aware of the real world around me. Maybe it was brought upon by the loss of my best friend who had just moved away, and I was lonely. Or that my father suddenly disappeared from my life after years of weekend visits since my parent’s divorce, and a hole was left in my heart. Or perhaps it was because I lived in a depressing and dangerous inner city neighborhood in Chicago where I regularly saw poverty, drunkenness and despair in the lives of people around me. Or maybe it was that this was the 1960s and I was right in the middle of the sexual revolution, the drug counterculture, and the uprising of blacks, with riots in my high school and bloody fights and sexual assaults on the bus back and forth from school (I stopped taking the bus, preferring to walk the two miles each way.)

So this was the beginning of my search for the meaning of life. However, it wasn't until a few years later that I actively (and drastically) took steps to find the answers to my questions.