I went to the "center" with the Japanese man (that's what they called their churches - they were located in homes, not church buildings) and listened to 2 lectures given by a black guy named Reggie. The first lecture described what an ideal world would be like, and from their point of view, what it was meant to be from the very beginning of history. The second lecture focused on what went wrong in the beginning and why we're living in this messed up world instead of in the ideal. It was based on stuff from the Bible, so most of it went over my head. However, I was at least familiar with the characters they mentioned - Adam, Eve, Satan and of course, God.
After the lectures we had our meal. This was my first experience with Japanese cuisine. They prepared something called chicken curry, which I had never heard of or had before. It was a spicy, flavorful sauce with chicken and vegetables served over rice and very tasty. It was especially delicious since I had had nothing to eat since breakfast, and by now it was late in the afternoon. After the dinner a lot of attention was paid to me, with various people coming up to me to talk. Two things struck me about these people. One was that they were dressed very conservatively. The guys wore slacks and button-up shirts with ties. The girls wore dresses, skirts or nice pant suits. All the guys had crew cuts and the women kept their hair relatively short as well. I felt out of place since most of the people I associated with were the hippie types. This was the early 70s with the hippie movement in full-force and I completely identified with it. Both males and females kept their hair long, wore jeans or cut-offs, and t-shirts. Also, I had given up wearing a bra awhile back (too sexist) and usually wore a halter top. I went barefoot most of the time as well. So these people seemed very strange to me.
The other thing that struck me about the people was their diversity. There were people from all over the world such as Austria, Italy, Japan, Israel, Honduras, and France to name a few, along with some Americans. And they were all living together, communal style, in this large center (house). They said that they believed in the unity of all people and I could see that they really practiced it.
Somehow these folks managed to convince me to stay with them for a few more days instead of going to Pensacola. They said that the following weekend the entire lecture series would be presented, so then I would get a more complete picture of what their ideology was all about and could decide whether or not this was for me. Since I was not completely set on going to Pensacola and was still searching for answers, I decided to stay. That few days turned into years.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Back in New Orleans
After my trip down south, I returned to Chicago where I stayed a few months with my mother and step-father. However, the search for answers had not ceased and I was still very restless. Finally, I decided to return to Pensacola after receiving another invitation from the 13-year-old girl to stay with her.
On June 16, 1974 I caught a bus to New Orleans, where I was to transfer to a bus to Pensacola. However, I never made it to Pensacola. I had taken an all-nighter to New Orleans and it was early afternoon when I arrived at the bus station. Since I had some time to kill before catching the next bus, I decided to stretch my legs and step outside the station for awhile. While standing there, gazing at the city around me, I was approached by a young Japanese man who invited me to attend a lecture. Normally, my response to someone like that would have been, "Get lost!" I had been approached many times before in Chicago by Hare Krishnas and other religious groups, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them or any religion. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I couldn't believe there could be a God with so much suffering in the world. So I stayed as far away as possible from religious people.
It was only because of a combination of circumstances (or fate?) that I actually decided to go to the lecture with this man. My main reason for going with him was the look in his eyes. When he looked at me, he didn't have that sexual look that I had come to expect. This took me completely by surprise. I couldn't believe that he looked at me with such pure eyes. So something inside of me trusted him (a little). The second reason for going was that I was hungry, and he had mentioned that a meal would be served after the lecture. So off I went with him, little knowing that my life was about to completely change.
On June 16, 1974 I caught a bus to New Orleans, where I was to transfer to a bus to Pensacola. However, I never made it to Pensacola. I had taken an all-nighter to New Orleans and it was early afternoon when I arrived at the bus station. Since I had some time to kill before catching the next bus, I decided to stretch my legs and step outside the station for awhile. While standing there, gazing at the city around me, I was approached by a young Japanese man who invited me to attend a lecture. Normally, my response to someone like that would have been, "Get lost!" I had been approached many times before in Chicago by Hare Krishnas and other religious groups, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them or any religion. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I couldn't believe there could be a God with so much suffering in the world. So I stayed as far away as possible from religious people.
It was only because of a combination of circumstances (or fate?) that I actually decided to go to the lecture with this man. My main reason for going with him was the look in his eyes. When he looked at me, he didn't have that sexual look that I had come to expect. This took me completely by surprise. I couldn't believe that he looked at me with such pure eyes. So something inside of me trusted him (a little). The second reason for going was that I was hungry, and he had mentioned that a meal would be served after the lecture. So off I went with him, little knowing that my life was about to completely change.
Monday, July 14, 2014
On the Road
On a cold day in February, I walked away from school. I was so unhappy and desperate for answers and was certainly not finding them at school. I thought to myself that life was not worth living if there was no purpose to it. So why continue going to school? I decided to take a gigantic leap and leave everything behind to search for the purpose of life.
I packed my few belongings into a bag, went to the bank to withdraw what little money I had, and began walking down the street away from the college. I hitch-hiked to Chicago, went to the bus station, and bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans. I chose New Orleans because I had no idea where I would stay and thought that I had better go someplace warm in case I needed to sleep outside.
Altogether, I spent about 3 weeks in the south, hitch-hiking from place to place and staying with whoever would take me in. The first person I met was a young man who, like myself, was on the road and hitch-hiking. We stayed together for a few days until one morning I woke up to find that he had disappeared with all my money.
A lot of those 3 weeks is a blur in my mind and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember a few people who took me in. I remember staying with a lonely older man who was looking for companionship. This might have been right after I lost all my money and had no where to turn. Staying with him was very depressing though and I soon left. Then I stayed for awhile with a woman who lived in a trailer with her kids. I remember being very grateful for the rich southern food she fed me like sausage, bacon and biscuits. But her trailer was filthy and full of roaches. Eventually I moved on from her place as well.
I hitch-hiked to Pensacola next and met a 13-year-old girl who wanted to take me home like a lost little puppy. But when I got to her house I was surprised by all the chaos. There were younger children running all around and no adult seemed to be in charge. Instead, this poor 13-year-old was. She desperately wanted me to stay. I could see that she looked up to me as the older sister she never had and really needed. But unfortunately, I had to disappoint her. I stayed with her just a few days and then left. Before I left she begged me to stay and could not understand why I had to go "search for the meaning of life."
Through all of this time there was sex, although I've blocked out most of that from my mind since it was so negative. I suppose I was a sitting duck for predators since I was completely dependent on others for help and was so mixed up about sex anyway. When looking back at this period in my life I believe that it was only by God's grace that I did not get into serious trouble or even end up dead.
Finally, I went to a forest preserve (somewhere) and spent the night sleeping outside on my coat. After waking, I sat on a curb for awhile wondering what I would do next. While sitting there, a park ranger pulled up in his truck and asked me what I was doing. I don't remember what I told him but he ended up bringing me home to his wife. They were both middle-aged and Christian. I stayed with them for a couple days and during that time the wife preached to me about the Bible and Jesus. It all went completely over my head. I could not relate to anything she said and remember one statement in particular that really turned me off. She said that my problem was that "I had been allowed to live selfishly." That was not what I needed to hear at that moment in my life. But they also did something that really surprised me. They bought me a one-way ticket back to Chicago and sent me home. I was very ready to go home by that time.
I left there being puzzled by this couple. I couldn't understand how complete strangers could take me in and then pay for a ticket home as well, which for me at that time seemed like a lot of money. They had nothing to gain from me like others who had taken advantage of me in the past. I was more used to that and the world seemed to be a very selfish, evil and dangerous place to live. Men in particular I thought, had only one thing on their mind and I was sick of seeing that sexual look in their eyes whenever they approached me. But this couple was different somehow and I didn't know why they had treated me so kindly. Unknowingly to me, a seed had been planted by them that would bear fruit in the near future.
I packed my few belongings into a bag, went to the bank to withdraw what little money I had, and began walking down the street away from the college. I hitch-hiked to Chicago, went to the bus station, and bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans. I chose New Orleans because I had no idea where I would stay and thought that I had better go someplace warm in case I needed to sleep outside.
Altogether, I spent about 3 weeks in the south, hitch-hiking from place to place and staying with whoever would take me in. The first person I met was a young man who, like myself, was on the road and hitch-hiking. We stayed together for a few days until one morning I woke up to find that he had disappeared with all my money.
A lot of those 3 weeks is a blur in my mind and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember a few people who took me in. I remember staying with a lonely older man who was looking for companionship. This might have been right after I lost all my money and had no where to turn. Staying with him was very depressing though and I soon left. Then I stayed for awhile with a woman who lived in a trailer with her kids. I remember being very grateful for the rich southern food she fed me like sausage, bacon and biscuits. But her trailer was filthy and full of roaches. Eventually I moved on from her place as well.
I hitch-hiked to Pensacola next and met a 13-year-old girl who wanted to take me home like a lost little puppy. But when I got to her house I was surprised by all the chaos. There were younger children running all around and no adult seemed to be in charge. Instead, this poor 13-year-old was. She desperately wanted me to stay. I could see that she looked up to me as the older sister she never had and really needed. But unfortunately, I had to disappoint her. I stayed with her just a few days and then left. Before I left she begged me to stay and could not understand why I had to go "search for the meaning of life."
Through all of this time there was sex, although I've blocked out most of that from my mind since it was so negative. I suppose I was a sitting duck for predators since I was completely dependent on others for help and was so mixed up about sex anyway. When looking back at this period in my life I believe that it was only by God's grace that I did not get into serious trouble or even end up dead.
Finally, I went to a forest preserve (somewhere) and spent the night sleeping outside on my coat. After waking, I sat on a curb for awhile wondering what I would do next. While sitting there, a park ranger pulled up in his truck and asked me what I was doing. I don't remember what I told him but he ended up bringing me home to his wife. They were both middle-aged and Christian. I stayed with them for a couple days and during that time the wife preached to me about the Bible and Jesus. It all went completely over my head. I could not relate to anything she said and remember one statement in particular that really turned me off. She said that my problem was that "I had been allowed to live selfishly." That was not what I needed to hear at that moment in my life. But they also did something that really surprised me. They bought me a one-way ticket back to Chicago and sent me home. I was very ready to go home by that time.
I left there being puzzled by this couple. I couldn't understand how complete strangers could take me in and then pay for a ticket home as well, which for me at that time seemed like a lot of money. They had nothing to gain from me like others who had taken advantage of me in the past. I was more used to that and the world seemed to be a very selfish, evil and dangerous place to live. Men in particular I thought, had only one thing on their mind and I was sick of seeing that sexual look in their eyes whenever they approached me. But this couple was different somehow and I didn't know why they had treated me so kindly. Unknowingly to me, a seed had been planted by them that would bear fruit in the near future.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Tripping
I took mescaline twice while I was in college, hoping to find some answers.
People who took it assured me of having an incredible "trip."
My trip lasted about 8 hours and the first part was pure hell. Similar to my
experience with pot, instead of feeling wonderful I became extremely paranoid. I
remember wanting to shrink into the fetal position and hide in a corner. I
needed to escape from everyone because being around people only intensified my
agony. In the meantime, the floors beneath me were moving like waves, with smoke rising through pores in them. All the while, terrible thoughts
and images filled my mind, usually involving sex or violence. This lasted about
4 hours. Maybe this was a preview of what hell is like - constant torment
with no hope of escape.
At some point the trip changed dramatically. The atmosphere shifted and I started receiving revelations. I remember in particular these profound words coming into my mind, "Amidst all the confusion in the world, there is order." Wow! Order in the world? I had experienced so much confusion about life and nothing made any sense. So these words were very comforting. At the same time, I felt the presence of something loving and warm like the sun shining brightly above me. Also, my feelings about people had turned around 180 degrees. My previous anxiety around them had completely vanished. When I looked at people now, I saw them as confused children needing love, just as I had needed it. And instead of wanting to escape from them, I wanted to comfort them like a mother and let them know how much they were loved.
I had never experienced a feeling of love so powerful as this. I had never learned in church that we are all God's children. I had never gone to church. So this was truly a revelation to me and a new way of looking at life. Unfortunately, the good feelings didn't last long. The trip ended and I was back to my old dysfunctional self.
I took mescaline one more time and the trip was similar - going to hell first and then to heaven. This time I also received a revelation. The revelation was "There is a God." Fortunately for me, this was the last time I ever took drugs. But it was not the end of my search for answers.
At some point the trip changed dramatically. The atmosphere shifted and I started receiving revelations. I remember in particular these profound words coming into my mind, "Amidst all the confusion in the world, there is order." Wow! Order in the world? I had experienced so much confusion about life and nothing made any sense. So these words were very comforting. At the same time, I felt the presence of something loving and warm like the sun shining brightly above me. Also, my feelings about people had turned around 180 degrees. My previous anxiety around them had completely vanished. When I looked at people now, I saw them as confused children needing love, just as I had needed it. And instead of wanting to escape from them, I wanted to comfort them like a mother and let them know how much they were loved.
I had never experienced a feeling of love so powerful as this. I had never learned in church that we are all God's children. I had never gone to church. So this was truly a revelation to me and a new way of looking at life. Unfortunately, the good feelings didn't last long. The trip ended and I was back to my old dysfunctional self.
I took mescaline one more time and the trip was similar - going to hell first and then to heaven. This time I also received a revelation. The revelation was "There is a God." Fortunately for me, this was the last time I ever took drugs. But it was not the end of my search for answers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)